Gratitude

It has been six weeks since James was born. The time has gone by so fast. Last night while nursing I had time to reflect on everything that has happened recently. As this blog doubles as my family journal, I wanted to get some things written down. Warning: This does contain medical information and if that makes you uncomfortable stop reading.

I know Ken posted about what happened during James delivery. It is still hard for me to think about those minutes in the hospital. They were the most terrifying moments of my life. The contractions were coming fast and I could feel the gushing blood with each one. As soon as we entered the delivery room all H-E- double hockey sticks broke loose. My memories are very distinct and rooted mostly in sensation. It all seemed like a surreal dream. The room was very cold. My hospital gown was removed as soon as we got inside and I was quickly scooted onto another table. Everything started to happen at once. I had people on both sides pinning my arms down. Someone was inserting a catheter while another person was swabbing my stomach. I hear a man asking me questions about weight and height. A nurse says, "I can't find the heartbeat" and I hear my doctor tensly say, "Just knock her out. We have to get this baby out now." The whole time I can feel contractions and blood everywhere. I remember saying, "Here comes another contraction" and someone responded, "Honey, this will be the last one you feel." My last memory is looking up at the bright operating lights while they brought an oxygen mask down and silently praying, "Please save my baby. And please don't let me die."

I don't remember meeting James for the first time. In fact, the first 3 days after he was born are a bit blurry with moments of clarity. I was totally exhausted and could barely move. I remember the doctor telling me her best guess of how much blood I lost was 2 liters, probably more. She said if I had continued to bleed out like I was James and I only had a few minutes before permanent damage or death would have happened. I remeber being told I needed blood. I was scared to get the blood transfusion. That was something they did in ERs with horrific accident victims. I worried about my risk for blood clots or other adverse reactions. The whole idea scared me. Luckily, my friend Rachel hung out in the hospital during the process. She helped Ken clear up a bad nurse situation and watched out for me during the process. We ate chocolate and talked. She distracted me from the I.V. flow of blood going into my arm. I'll never forget that.

The next few weeks I saw an outpouring of love for me and my family. The type of incision I had combined with my blood loss made recovery harder than an normal c-section. The Relief Society had meals brought in for 3 weeks. I had a woman I hardly knew come and sit with me and help care for James. I now count her as a friend. Jean and her daughter cleaned my house and my mom picked up Kenny from school and stayed with me until Ken got home everyday. The Relief Society president called regularly to check on me and my needs. My friend Tara brought me lunch one day, just because. My dear friend Julie came over nearly everyday in those early weeks to keep me company, help with James, and take me to doctor appointments. I am so grateful to the many people who helped. I could not have endured this last 6 weeks without any of them. Every one of them is an angel sent to answer a prayer, some times prayers I didn't even know I had. Even now, people call and offer to help or just to talk and be a friend. I really need that even though I don't realize I do.

My heart is overflowing with gratitude and love for those around me. I don't know why things had to happen the way they did. But I do know, without a doubt in my mind, that my Heavely Father is watching out for me and I know my faith has been stregthened.